As much as I loved Baby Rose it was so hard to want to be with Clayton. He really changed the way he treated me and spoke to me after Rose was born. I was always crying when no one was looking. My kids were begging me to leave him and just come back home. I prayed everyday on what to do. God would speak to me about the whole situation. God told that I was to be Rose’s mother! That she would not have a mother who loved her and would be there to take care of her. At that time in my life God and I were very close and I prayed and trusted him. And when I would be in the bathroom at 2am crying my eyes out over something Clayton said or did I was begging God to just let me leave! God would tell me no and that He had a plan for me and that Rose needed a full time mom and I was to be that full time mom. He would tell me that the bio mom would never be seen or heard from and that Rose really needed me. After every cry fest in the bathroom the next morning God would show me what He was talking about. The bio mom would just disappear for months at a time. It’s like she never existed. And Rose would wake up all smiles and hugs and made me feel so amazing. This went on for a long time. Clayton and I would fight like crazy. He manipulated me out of my car. And got a car just in his name and would leave me home without gas in it. So if something happened to Rose I couldn’t go to town. I lost my job at the insurance company. I couldn’t pass my exam. Every time I would head to take the test Clayton would start a fight with me and I’d be so rattled that I couldn’t take it. So…I lost my job. Clayton told me that he’d pay me to stay home to take care of Rose that way I could pay my bills and help my kids out who were now living alone at home being grownups ( one was 18 but still) and no he never give me a dime. Before I had lost my job he was sending the bio mom money and lying about it. After he was caught and we had Rose he stopped. I was trying so hard to be a good stay at home mom. Cooking, cleaning and taking care of a baby! Losing my freedom everyday I woke up. But trying to do what God wanted me to do! Still crying in the bathroom, God still showing up the next day to show me what He wanted from me. But ya’ll I’m here to tell ya I lost all hope and faith in God! Yes the bio mom was gone! I wasn’t having to share this beautiful baby! And I didn’t have to go to work but the mental and emotional toll it was taking on me was just getting to be to much! And I stopped talking to God and I lost myself and my everything! I had no car, no money, my friends were walking away from me my kids were too! Clayton and Rose became all I had. I figured out that as long as I did what Clayton wanted me to do every thing was okay but the second I had a different opinion or wanted to do something different even eating out somewhere we always went where he wanted to go, things got real bad, real quick! He would start pouting and just being down right nasty! I was a cunt or a bitch. He would put me down telling me that my own kids wanted nothing to do with me because I was so awful. This would happen all because I didn’t do what he wanted or give him what he wanted! Ya’ll 9yrs later and Clayton is still the same way! I’m a fighter! So I would push back! He never laid hands on me but I know sometimes he wanted to! I started to yell and scream at God and ask Him why in the world would He want something like this for me? Why would my God who loved me and called me His child want me in this situation? What was so special about Rose that I had to go through something so horrible and miserable? God would remind me that He hand picked me to be her mom! And that He had a plan! Well, ya’ll I didn’t want God’s plan at all! It wasn’t worth the heartache!! I eventually stopped talking to God and trying to figure out how to get out!! This ended up putting me down a black hole I didn’t know I was in! God stopped talking to me. I was acting a fool towards him! I was mad all the time! But trying to make a bad situation good. So I’d over look the bad and try to just do what I thought I was suppose to do. Hold my head down and do what I was told. Every now and then I’d come up swinging which would lead to a week worth of fighting and him calling me every name in the book and treating me like I was poop on his shoe! And the worse we got the madder I got at God for allowing all of this to happen! I mean what in the world did I do to deserve someone to treat me this way! Was I really that bad? Was I really not worth loving and being respected? I let Satan convince me that all of that was true! All the lies that Clayton was saying about me were true! That I was a cheater and I was hard to get along with and I was a bad mom! I was going down quick!! And God was no where to be found! About a year later the bio mom popped back up and wanted to see Rose! And of course I was furious! I told Clayton that I would be present at all times and that if she tried to tell Rose that she was her mom I’d snap her in half!! And of course here I am again yelling and screaming at God for lying to me about the bio mom being gone cause here she was!! This went on from the day after Rose turned 1! And I was throwing fits left and right and acting like a real jerk to God!! How could he lie to me! How could he allow this to happen to me!! But I finally heard God and He assured me that the bio mom would leave and never return and to just watch and see! And that’s exactly what happened! Right before Christmas she was gone! She was throwing fits acting like we were keeping her from seeing Rose when in reality she was in Memphis and wasn’t around. Well it’s been since 2015 and we haven’t seen her except on those public jail sights! In 2016 I left Clayton and was living in a garage. No car no job no nothing. I was gone for about 4 months. God took everything from me!!! Friends were buying me food and trying to help me the best they could and even they grew weary and pretty much bailed on me. I refused to ask my parents for help. I had done this to myself and I would fix it! But I was free! I had my two dogs that I loved with all my being and I didn’t have to cook or clean up after others and I could come and go as I pleased. I was living the life in a garage! God finally said enough was enough and He sent me back to Clayton! I had no choice! The husband of the friend who was letting me stay in the garage wanted me gone! And so I had no choice but to call Clayton and see if he wanted to try and work things out! I had no where else to go! My grown kids didn’t want me and I had no car or job like I said! So of course Clayton wanted to work things out. He couldn’t take care of Rose! He made promises that he had no intention of keeping. Like taking me out once a month on a date to help keep our relationship in check, letting me get my nails done since it made me feel good about myself. Ya know the things a man should do for his girl! But of course within a week he was the same ole Clayton! Throwing fits about things I wanted to do and saying he never made any promises to me! It was just as awful in coming back as it was in the start. It was actually worse because now he had something to hold over my head! When we would fight he would threaten to throw me out and I’d never see Rose again. I went back to being mad a God for putting back here. And He would show me why I was back! Rose needed me and needed someone she could depend on and never leave her! She needed a mom and a strong one! I was in a mental and emotional abusive relationship and I was falling fast! I’ll talk more about the pit I was in later. But the good news about this is two things 1. God is back in my life and in my heart again and 2. I have legally adopted Rose so NO ONE can take her from me!!!
What God wants me to do
