You know when you’re hungry and haven’t taken time to eat because maybe you’re shopping or busy working? Or those times when you don’t feel good and it seems like every little thing is getting under your skin? And so you’re super cranky and just snapping at everyone although you don’t mean to. That’s what it’s been like for me the last month. With changing jobs and waiting for new insurance to kick I haven’t been able to refill my medicine. It’s been very hard on me! I try so hard not to snap but when you have people who are disrespectful in your home and no one who backs you up it’s overwhelming. One would think or even hope (if it were you) that if you knew you were dying you would love kinder, and speak softly just like in Tim McCraw’s song. But not Clayton! He just doesn’t show any signs of changing!
Yesterday he was trying to get me to take our Christmas tree right after the gifts were opened! I told him that I was going to toss the tree out after this year and start over. So he’s gongho in getting out of the house! Clayton very hatefully told me he wanted it down so he could carry it off with the other trash. So of course I snapped back and the fight was on! He had the nerve to call me a bully and a narcissist!! REALLY!!! So here’s how it goes…if I express my feelings to him about something he’s done to hurt me then I’m talking down to him or being a bully or even a narcissist! And he had no choice but to defend himself against me. Which goes something like this….F you or I can stick whatever it is that upset me up my butt. For example…last night was the tree so he told me to go F myself and I could stick the tree up my butt (but he didn’t say butt). And he says this in front of Rose! I tell him that one day when he is just a few breaths away from his last one he will have regrets for the way he has spoken to me over the years! He told me last night that I would be the one with regrets for the way I bullied him! I reminded him that he spoke hatefully to me and I was just defending myself like he does! He kept repeating the words he said to me about taking the tree out and asked what was hateful about the words. I told him it wasn’t the words it was the tone! But he just kept repeating himself over and over! I was like you just need to stop! You had a hateful rude tone so I took one back at you! I said it’s been a very busy day and I’m tired and ready to relax and not spend the night fighting with him!
When he expresses his feelings he’s never mean and rude. According to him, but I assure you he is! It’s okay for him to express how he feels! I’m not allowed to express mine cause I’m a bully. He told me he’s at the point where he doesn’t want to be around me but yet still wants to wake up the next morning and grope me even though he doesn’t like me! And even though his penis doesn’t work anymore and knowing that I just don’t like to be woken up that way! He doesn’t care about anyone but himself, and I would hope that if I was in his shoes I would just treat people better and just try to do better in general. Clayton has always been one of these people who are always waiting for the bad to happen, for the other shoe to drop! I don’t think he can see the positive in anything! The only time he doesn’t talk with a mean tone is when he’s telling me about work or about his co-worker’s stuff like that. Or when he wants something from me! You just can’t live life that way!
As I lay in bed Christmas night the thoughts of the day flooded my mind! I had to get a grip on them so that I could pray to God and tell Him what I was feeling and ask Him to forgive me for my part of the fight. God has told me in the past that Clayton will apologize for all the wrongs he has done. The way he has spoken to me, killing my dogs, not respecting me, not truly loving me. I’ve tried and tried to talk to Clayton about these things and how I want to be treated even treating him the way I want to be treated in hopes that he would see it and want to change so that we could have a real loving marriage. Anyway, I told God that from my point of view, Clayton has no intention of changing to the point that he will apologize for not doing things differently. I mean he knows his time is short and he’s even said that he’s tried and ready to give up! So one would think that he would listen and try to do better. Leave this world knowing that you apologized to people you’ve wronged or just try to love as hard as you can! And maybe he is doing just that! Maybe he is doing his best!
The next morning when I got up and started reading my devotion for the day God showed up! Reassuring me that He is in control! The verse is from Romans 3:22 “We are made right with God by placing our faith in Jesus Christ. And this is true for everyone who believes, no matter who we are” NLT version. The writer talked about how God has the power to transform anything. We can think that something or someone is beyond redemption, but God can reclaim anything or anyone. The most impossible situations or the hardest hearts. Just because we lose faith God never does! God spoke this universe into existence, so He can intervene in any situation and have His way in it. God, commanded the dead to walk out of a tomb, can surely soften the heart of the most hardened soul.
This just made me cry! Knowing that God heard my cry and showed me not to give up! That He is in control and never breaks His promises! Satan doesn’t have the keys to his own home why should we give him the key to ours? Satan is like a thief in the night! We can’t let him steal anything from us! My thoughts go back to the angel Gabriel who told Joseph “Fear Not”. And I also have to remind myself to have faith like Job! God is bigger than we are! And He will never leave us or forsake us!
