So…we are a few years into this and like I said before we had our ups and downs just like everyone else. The problem was the only time we had ups was when Clayton was getting exactly what he wanted! A person can only take so much! I lost my kids, myself and God (so I thought). I mean you can never lose God! He’s always there! He was just sitting patiently waiting on me to get it together and call on Him. Ya’ll that wasn’t happening! I feel into a deep depression! I stopped taking showers, and getting dressed! I was getting sores on my scalp. I wasn’t wearing deodorant! I would go about two weeks like this unless we went somewhere on the weekends. I was always crying in the bathroom or when Rose was napping! I was eating everything in the house! Whenever Clayton would get upset about something he would accuse me of cheating and search my phone! I was nothing but trash to him. Sadly he stills makes me feel that way sometimes! Then Clayton’s dad moved in with us. Martin ( Clayton’s dad) had some health problems. Martin being there helped me a little. I had an adult to talk to and I wasn’t alone all day with a toddler. And Martin did not like the way his son was treating me. Martin’s health was taking a turn for the worse he was suffering from Dementia and Alzheimer disease. And yes Martin’s care all fell on me unless something was going on to make Clayton look good and get credit for being a “good son”. Like taking him to doctors appointments or to have his cataracts taken off. It was so annoying! I was the one cooking for everyone and washing clothes and cleaning up the house! It just started making things harder for me! We finally had to put Martin in a nursing home in Oct of 2020. He was wondering away and it was just getting to be to much for everyone really. Martin was angry all the time and you couldn’t make him understand because really he didn’t. Anyway, the fighting was continuing and I just felt like I couldn’t win! God wasn’t listening to me or helping me and honestly I was just wore out! I was throwing in the towel! About September of 2019 I had just had all I could take! I had no job, no money, no car of my own! No where to go! My oldest daughter had stopped speaking to me ( it’s been 4 years now). So I started making making a list of what stuff I had to divide between the three kids. All I had was dishes and clothes my mother’s ring. It wasn’t much but I wanted each kid to have something that I thought they’d use or like to have. I was looking into finding someone to help Clayton out to pick up Rose to take her to school and pick her up. I began telling Clayton I just couldn’t take it anymore and I just needed out! He got mad at me! Told me I was being selfish and that I didn’t love Rose or him or even my grown kids! He threatened to call my parents and tell on me! Not one time..NOT once did he ever calmly talk to me or ask me why I was feeling this way! I told my son to come over so I could give him some things like my mother’s ring because I knew that Clayton wouldn’t give them anything. I don’t think my son knew exactly what I was saying! He stood there just lifeless and speechless. Or maybe he did know. I didn’t come right out and say I was taking my own life! He hugged me and told me that we would come up with something. I remember thinking that I didn’t want to come up with anything! I just wanted out of this life! Ya’ll I went back and forth on this for months! No I didn’t want to take my life but I just couldn’t keep going! I’d hold Rose and cry and think about all the things I was going to miss and even thought about my son and other daughter. Again, through it all not one time did Clayton try to make any changes to the situation. He would get mad and call me a selfish bitch for leaving Rose! Which was only confirming the fact that I didn’t want to be there! At Thanksgiving I loved on everyone and sat back and just watched everyone trying to memorize everything about them! Clayton would say things like why don’t you tell them want you want to do! Why don’t tell them how selfish you are being! My family didn’t know and still doesn’t know what I was going to do. And no they wouldn’t have approved and they would have gotten mad at me too! I mean no one is going to support anyone in taking their life but they would have gotten me help unlike Clayton who was just to busy being selfish himself. He wasn’t trying to help me! And I told him that! I told him that if my husband was so unhappy and wanting to die just to feel no more pain I sure wouldn’t be yelling at him and calling him names and telling him how awful he is being! I’d try to help in every way possible! I don’t remember when it was maybe Nov of 2019 Martin had a cousin who passed away and I took him to the service. I knew the niece of the cousin who had passed her and I graduated together. Her and I exchanged numbers and began talking everyday. She’d come over for coffee and we would just have lovely visits. It was so nice! One day she was suppose to come over and was running late. I had to go get Rose from school. When I got home she had dropped by and left me two devotional books. Even had my name engraved on one! I took them to my room and looked at them and began to cry! This girl who knew nothing about what I was going through or thinking just did something wonderful for me. That’s why she was running late because she was trying to pick out the right books for me! This was in December of 2019. A few days went by and all I could think about was those books and how nice it was that she thought of me! No one had did anything that nice for me in years! So I decided to wait on my plans and since the books started Jan 1 then I would start then to read them! It took me a minute to realize that God had His hand in all of this! He wasn’t about to let me leave my kids! After all Rose needed a mama and God chose me!! So I made sure that I thanked Him for sending me a friend at the right time. Ya’ll Jan 1, 2020 I started getting up at 5 a.m and I haven’t stopped yet!! Each year I get new books and read them and I read Proverbs every single day! I read 1 chapter for each day. After a few months of me doing this and me talking to God, God finally started talking back to me! Our relationship is stronger than ever! He has put me back in church and placed me right where He wants me! God gave me a job and a car! Yes I’m still with Clayton and yes things are still rough but, I know that God has a plan in place and all I have to do is let Him fight Clayton and his demons and know that I win in this situation! God always wins and as long as you’re on His side and following Him and trusting and having faith in Him you’ll win too!! Nothing is to big for God!! If you’re reading this and feeling some of these same ways please know that you’re not alone! Please know that God is waiting on you to turn to Him and trust Him! He’ll help you! He’ll send someone at the right time! My information is at the bottom of the Home page I’ll talk you through it! It’s never to late! Don’t give up hope! God loves you even when you think no one else does! You’ve got this sister!!
The Black Hole!
