The crazy train is always running! Never stopping! Endless circle you cannot stop! The days change but the crap does not! Things seem to be going great and you let your guard down, only to be hit in the face with crap! You once again are the bad guy! And they are the victims! One simple request turns into hours of fighting. That turns into days! The hurt comes rushing back and you just numb yourself to the pain! You know you can’t show when you’re hurt, you can’t show when you’re mad, you can’t voice your opinion when it goes against what they want! There will be hell to pay if you do! That’s what happened last week! One simple request turned into hours of fighting! Which lead into the next morning!
Last week I had an appointment. I asked Clayton if he wanted me to cook supper on my lunch or did he think he could handle frying up ground hamburger meat and throwing in a can of sloppy joe sauce. Well, it didn’t matter to him and he decided that he would just do it and for me not to worry. Clayton decides that he doesn’t want that for supper and so he doesn’t make it. He calls me telling me that he’s not hungry (which I knew wasn’t true) and that he’ll wait till I get home to make it so it’s hot for me. I replied with ” I appreciate that but I really need you to go ahead and make so I can just walk in and eat, I’m going to need to eat”. We went back and forth and I just finally said whatever! I knew at that moment that I was going to have to make it when I got home. And sure enough I did! And yes, I was upset! I didn’t ask a lot! I know he’s sick and I know he is limited on things that he can do (he plays that card way too much). He can do anything he wants IF he wants! He makes those choices!
So yes I was upset! Yes I came in hot and going off because he knew that I needed to come in and eat and wouldn’t have the strength to cook. He tells that he didn’t want sloppy joes for supper and I informed him that was okay but it still had to be cooked! We went back and forth on how bad we each feel physically and he tells me to go f-myself several times calls the B word all in front of Rose. When she leaves the room he proceeds to tell me that the reason she’s in therapy is because I yell at him! I mean sure Clayton! I don’t call you names or tell you to go f-off! Anyway, I brought up the fact that he could go help unload a washing machine but he couldn’t fry up some meat! That went over like a lead balloon. He then called me the C word (I know Rose heard) and told me to never bring up the things he does for his kids! But it’s true! He will do anything for Addi. He spent two days moving her and yes he had help, but still. He helped unload a washer for her, he cleaned out her storage unit. But he couldn’t do one easy thing for me! And I gave him the choice!
I ate and gave him the chance to eat. Even asked him before I threw it out. He didn’t eat that night which wasn’t smart on his part. He spent the rest of the night stumbling around, acting like he was about to pass out. He does this when we have a fight it’s not even about whether he eats or not! He’ll be fine when he wants to but if I go against him then he automatically turns weak and can’t stand or walk. I took the blame for it all! How dare I ask him to cook, how dare I get upset when he didn’t, how dare I get my feelings hurt! He was yet again the victim! The only reason the fight stopped is because Rose text me and told me that we were stressing her out. I relayed the message and of course I was the C word again and she wouldn’t be in therapy if I wouldn’t come home yelling at him. I’m sure it has nothing to do with her dad calling her mom ugly names and speaking to her like trash! I don’t cuss at him or call him names! I used to, but I don’t anymore! I told him that I was sorry that I forgot I’m not allowed to have feelings unless they are the same as his. I’m not allowed to have an opinion unless it was the same as his. I just have to keep everything pushed down to keep the peace! I mean I can’t even talk to him about how I feel about anything! It can have nothing to do with him or us and he’ll turn it into a fight!
So the next morning I prayed and prayed to God to intervene so I didn’t have to have a crap day at work. I already have those without any extra help. Which, God did as always. But the next thing I know Clayton tells me that he is going to pick up a 65 inch TV for Addi and take it to her. Now I know that someone loaded it, and I know that she helped him unload it and bring it in the house! Not even 24hrs after he didn’t have the strength to cook meat and open a can to dump in. He didn’t eat the night before and didn’t have any that morning but amazingly he had the strength to go help her! But hey, I have no reason to be upset right?!
