Clayton is having issues in the sex department. I think the cancer has moved to his prostate. We haven’t been able to have sex in a few weeks. He’s been asking on the weekends to snuggle, and that’s what he calls sex. I’ve repeatedly asked him to let me sleep until after 6 am. I get up so early through the week I want to sleep in a little longer on the weekends.
Sometimes, he does that, but he hasn’t in the last few weeks; he has just gotten an attitude. And I’ve tried to get him to come back to bed, and I’ve tried to explain to him that I want to sleep past 6 am. I mean, he’s awake at 5. What’s an hour? Well…he finally broke. He was crying. I knew then that something else was going on. Clayton started telling me how he was tired of hurting and didn’t want to be here anymore, which made me cry! I know he’s in pain. You can’t bleed 24\7 and not hurt! But then he told me that it made him not want to be here when I didn’t lie next to him! I told him I didn’t see the harm in letting me sleep until 6, which was a big deal. But I can see that it is.
I apologized to him for wanting some rest! I apologized!!! He turned the whole around, making me feel like it’s my fault he doesn’t want to be here! When I tell him how I feel about the situation, I’m bitching and talking down to him or running him down! I assure you that’s not the case! I expressed how I felt about wanting to rest and didn’t see wanting an hour hurt. And honestly, it doesn’t hurt! It’s about him not getting what he wants when he wants it! And it’s frustrating as heck! And my feelings aren’t valid or essential. I’m just being mean to him, but his feelings are way more important, and I must validate them. I know he hurts, and I know he’s tired of hurting! And I feel bad for him, but at the same time, he could’ve gone to the doctor and had it burned off, and still can it will just be a lot harder now that it’s actual growth!
This morning, as things would happen, it’s 430am, and I know I need to get up. Clayton doesn’t have to be at work til 7 today, and I know I need to get my God time in. But he reaches over and starts groping me, so I don’t want another episode of the weekend, so I move over. And while he’s touching me, I did tell him I’m not going through this the next 2weeks at home and that, like it or not, we would be put on a schedule so I can get my God time! And just like I knew from the weekend, because Clayton is a creature of habit, his “cuddle/snuggle” time is wanting sex! It was over the weekend, too. He was just made because it had been 2 weeks, and that’s not my fault. His junk wasn’t working! And it’s barely working now!
As I lay there, letting him rub me to turn himself on, I could feel my soul just sink deep into the hole! It’s like I couldn’t move! I have to give him what he wants at my cost! All of me! And honestly, I don’t do anything to help him! My mind says he has to work for it if he wants it. He doesn’t respect me, love me, or care about my feelings, so why do I help him?
Most couples have an understanding, I’m sure. Most couples love and respect each other, keeping love alive.
If a wife says to let her sleep in, she gets to it without pouting and acting like a 3-year-old who can’t have a cookie for breakfast! I’m sure that most couples laugh and cherish each other. I know that marriage isn’t perfect and that fights happen. It’s how you handle yourself in those moments! It’s how you do give and take! It’s how you say you’re sorry even if it wasn’t your fault, so you can make up with your partner and let them know they are seen and heard! It’s NOT making them feel gulity for wanting to sleep in or telling them you want to die because they wont’ have sex with you.
It’s NOT having sex when you want it! It’s NOT disrespecting them all day, every day! I’ve in a previous post that I have to take a bath after Clayton and I have sex. And yes, that’s true! I don’t want an infection! But today, I realized that it’s not just about ensuring I stay healthy..it’s to wash him off of me! I feel dirty and unclean! Like someone who’s just been raped! I know that sounds harsh, but it’s true! That NEVER crossed my mind until this morning!
Being married to a narcissist is hard! And all I can do is continue to pray to God, tell Him how I feel, and keep my faith! I know that my future will be so much better, and I will be free from all of this! I need time to heal my soul! I will never be the same again! I will never trust another man! I will never give myself to anyone else! I thank God for my future of freedom! I cling to Him with all my might, waiting for this storm to end, and I can see nothing but sunny days ahead.
