You can’t make people do anything that they do not want to do. You can’t make them go places with you, or call you back, or eat, or drink or whatever the case may be. I mean not even God himself can change our will. He tries to point us in the right direction and he wants us to follow, But it’s up to us to make the right choice. Things may not be ideal but sometimes you have to make the most of whatever situation you are in.
Right now I’m in a supper rut. You know, where it seems like you are eating the same thing every week for supper. No matter how hard you try you just can’t get out of that rut. I’ve been watching videos looking for different things to eat. Clayton is complaining about how hamburger meat is now to greasy for him and hurts his stomach. And how I’m always trying to buy the cheapest meat. I try telling him to give me ideas for supper ideas. Things he wants, but he comes up empty handed. He doesn’t help me buy groceries. He is in a better place financially now and he can help a little. He just chooses not to. Again, you can’t make people do things that they don’t want to.
I make supper and he used to not take any left overs to work. He said he really doesn’t have a place that he can heat stuff up at. But he complains about how he’s weak due to not eating, He’s ate so many sandwiches that he can’t stomach the idea of eating them anymore. He’s just burned out. And I understand that. Every idea I have or try to give him about things he could take, he shoots them down. So I’ve been packing him leftovers. I tell him if he eats then great if not then that’s on him. Sometimes he will eat it and sometimes he doesn’t. I guess it depends on how he felt about it the night before. There’s a lot of things left over in the house that I really don’t want but I eat it if I’m hungry.
Clayton isn’t healthy. He struggles to walk, to breathe. When he is at work, he pushes himself to do his job. It takes a lot out of him. I really hate to watch it. I’m very thankful that he gets up everyday and pushes through the day. He can walk into the building to warm up his food. He doesn’t have the strength. On his days off he spends them sleeping and just laying around. It’s frustrating at times due to him not helping me at all anymore with the inside or outside chores. The second I sit down all of a sudden the dogs need to be outside or Rose needs something. It’s never ending.The only rest I seem to get is when I go to bed.
One of Clayton’s days off he sleep almost all day. He was saying how he didn’t feel well. There was nothing I could do for him. Every time I asked him what he needed it was like he just kept getting more angry. He finally said to me that he just can’t go all day without eating. And how there’s nothing in the house to eat. And there really wasn’t it was a grocery shopping weekend. I told him that he had money and could run get him something. I was working and I couldn’t just stop what I was doing. He starts about how he doesn’t eat through the week and now he’s too weak to do anything. I told him that it was his own fault. I know he hurts, but he needs to keep pushing through and make the walk to heat up his food. It may not be what he wants but at least it’s food. He chooses not to eat the leftovers. I can’t make him eat it.
I try very hard to make meals that have protein in them so he gets his protein. Clayton kept trying to make it seem like this was all my fault. Telling me that I don’t buy enough food ( I can’t I don’t have the money). He was walking around the house slumped over, sighing a lot. That night he was pretty down and out. He plays the “whoa is me” part very well. Rose and I had a birthday party to go to and I told him that I wasn’t going to buy him a steak dinner. I just didn’t have the extra thirty dollars to spend. If he wanted to eat well he was going to have to pay for it. And he did. He tried to tell that he didn’t eat it all due to it being tough. But since he doesn’t clean up after himself I saw the container and it only had two bites left.
I bought Rose some cookies and I grabbed Clayton some bite size brownies. He was complaining how there was no chocolate in the house. Within 24 hours they were both gone. Rose said she only ate like two of each. Heck I only got one cookie. Clayton managed to eat them all! That’s why I don’t buy a lot of sweets he eats it all. And now he’ll be complaining again and there’s nothing I can do. I’m just at a loss. He could help me to buy extra he just won’t. I mean there are so many things he can do to help not only himself, but me as his wife to be able to take better care of him! I’m mentally and emotionally drained. I’m having to push myself to keep going so that I don’t get in a state of depression. So, I’m doing all I can to take care of three people. Not just physically, but mentally and emotionally too. This is hard on all of us!
Everyday I do my best to lay it all down and Jesus’ feet. Sometimes I pick it back up and when I realize that I picked it up, I ask for forgiveness and lay it back down. It’s really hard! God hears my cries and my pleas. God is going to bring me through this valley. God promises me every day that I’m almost through it, and to keep hanging on to Him. He brought in this and He will and is bringing me out of this. God will bring you out of whatever valley you are going through also. You are not alone! God is there waiting on you to ask Him for help. So just ask!
