I know that a few weeks back I posted a blog about Clayton always being mad. And although nothing has changed, yesterday as I was headed to church I was all up in my feels. And it’s like God turned on the light! I’m angry! I’m just flat out angry!! As much as I try not to be and as much as I try to keep the peace! I’m just really angry! I’ve put up with a lot of unnecessary nonsense! I’ve watched Clayton and still am putting Addi on this pedestal. She can do no wrong! While the rest of us are just trash! Well at least that’s how we are made to feel! Since they moved out Clayton has yelled at Rose more than before! She turned the kitchen light on to get her something to eat and he threatened to take her phone for a week! I mean come on!
Addi would turn on the kitchen and dining room light and leave them on and not a word was said! Our dining room was used as her closet for over six months and nothing was said! We couldn’t even eat supper at the table because of it. There would piles of trash in the bathroom that they used and nothing was said! Clayton would yell at the oldest son to get it all cleaned up and it wan’t even his mess! It was all Addi and the baby! If Rose were to throw a candy wrapper in that bathroom trash Clayton would yell at her for ten minutes about all the bugs it would attract! Matter of fact there was so much food trash in the spare room were Addi and the baby slept that Clayton actually saw a roach! And to them and Clayton it was the funniest thing trying to chase it and kill it! Me and Rose just stared at each other knowing that if her or I were the cause of that, well..it would be like satan was right in front of us burning us alive! I was pissed and let Clayton know real quick how not funny it was!
I had to go help him finish cleaning out her mini storage! Now it didn’t take five minutes. But the point is that it’s not our responsibility to do that! It’s hers! Clayton did most of the moving for her! I can’t even get him to fix the ceiling fan in the spare room that they broke. The fan stays on all the time! They ripped the cord out and you can’t shut off the fan! He’s been constantly asking if I want to go help do things for her or take things to her. No, No I don’t! I’ve watched for almost eleven years of this kind of behavior and I’m done watching Clayton treat Rose differently! He expects Rose to do adult responsibilities but won’t make the adult do her adult responsibilities! It’s madding!
I’m angry! He’s accused me of cheating, he doesn’t respect me, doesn’t love me! He doesn’t care about my feelings! We’ve lived in our house going into our tenth year! The last ninety days I’ve had to fight for space in the bedroom! I have a desk and chair that he decided to use to put his clothes on! We literally had two major fights over it! I wanted to keep that space looking nice and it wasn’t a place for his clothes! But this is his house and he pays for it so he can do whatever he wants! I’m not allowed to put anything on the dresser cause that’s where he keeps his things! I tried to explain the way he felt about the dresser is the way I feel about my desk but my feelings didn’t matter! He started on how I was making his chest hurt! I moved my desk in the spare room when Addi moved out! Now he uses his side of the bed post. Which he could have used the whole time! Now he is using my side of the bed post! I hang my housecoat on it at night when I go to bed. So it’s right there when I get up! Yesterday he had put his hoodie on it and I moved it. He asked me why. I just lost it! I told him that was my side and that’s where I hang my housecoat! He can’t have everything and he needed to give me something! DANG!
He just takes over everything! He was never made to share as a child and it shows! It’s so dumb to be fighting over space in our room! And it’s never been a problem until now! I don’t understand! And I’m angry! After we got back from town I took my shoes off and they were in the floor out of the way but they were on his side of the room so I hear him saying “oh this is my side of the bed these don’t go here”. He had kicked my shoes over to the closet doorway! Very petty! I mean they weren’t where he keeps stuff and in the way. He was just mad cause I was! Again this probably isn’t the dumbest tiff we have had! The sad part is if I don’t fight for something, for anything he will take it all over and I’ll just have my clothes! If he buys it, then it’s his! He doesn’t have to share. Even down to what little food he buys. Which is usually just like cereal. But it’s for him to eat! It’s all just so petty and frustrating! I’m so tired of being angry all the time!
I know that I talk about God in my post and give your burden over to Him! And yes we need to! And yes I do! This post isn’t just to share my life,but to share that no one is perfect! And although I’m angry a lot! I know that the answer lies in God and forgiveness! If I don’t learn how to forgive Clayton for all the hurt and wrong he has done over the years I’ll never stop being angry! The hurt will never go away! So, I’m working on that! Talking to Papa God and listening to Him. Letting Him guide me through this valley of my life so I can learn to forgive Clayton! And myself!
