While taking a long deserved bath one day, God started showing me that no matter what path I took that it would’ve brought me right where I am today. I took a lot of wrong turns in my life but no matter how many wrong or right turns I made I still would be right here. Rose needed a momma and God chose me long ago. Even though I have struggled with it, I’m so very glad that He chose me! There is no way that Rose could handle all that Clayton has done by herself! Although she has older siblings they aren’t there for Rose like they should be. I mean they grew up with the same dad and they offer no help to stop the cycle of behavior or help her navigate through the mental and emotional abuse that goes on. I’m going to hit the high points of a story that Addi had told me about when she was young and how Clayton hasn’t changed over the years at all.
Sometimes while I’m doing my devotional and I’m talking with God my feelings really start coming out through my eyes if you know what I mean. Crying! Big crocodile tears, the ugly cry. All the emotions just start running a marathon through you. Has that ever happened to you? On this particular morning everything from the last few days events just kept playing on repeat! A story that Addi had told me about something that had happened in her teen years and things that had happened with Clayton and I. I was a wreck! And God knew it! And I’m glad that God knew it and I’m glad He was there to get me through it! Addi was a teen mom, and I’m sure had tons of emotions. Trying to figure out her life, what was she going to do. She was having a baby and still in school. Now the father was a few years older and didn’t come from the best background. Drugs and alcohol played a part in his life. Now I wasn’t around for this part of her life but apparently Addi was talking to the father and they were trying to figure things out when Clayton found out he took her phone from her. Clayton didn’t want her to have anything to do with him and as a parent I understand that. But the worst had happened already. He took away her choice! Now again as a parent I understand protecting your child but, had Clayton acted in a different way maybe things would have turned out differently for Addi, the baby and the father. They never spoke again and the father went down a bad road and never looked back! I’ve been mad at Preston and Haley for choices they made and yes we fought. But I always calmed down and we were able to talk about the situation calmly and figure it out. Clayton isn’t built that way! He doesn’t know how to talk calmly. It’s his way or no way.
Over the weekend Clayton wanted to have “relations” and the part of life that doesn’t get talked about when you hit let’s say your 20’s that’s a great time to prepare your daughters for the dreaded “menopause” phase of our lives. I’m in this phase now and it’s sucky! Sex just hurts! Hot flashes, night sweats, dryness! Anyway, when I told Clayton how much pain I was in he said “that’s okay” and left the room. He didn’t try talking to me to find out how I was feeling or what could he do. Which made me feel even worse than I already did. At this time I didn’t have insurance and couldn’t afford to go to the doctor and pay for meds if I got a UTI. And NO he wouldn’t pay for any of it if that happened. The next day I decided I would slept in (til 6am) because I knew that the whole house would sleep later and I could get rest and still have time to get my God time in before the house woke up. But of course Clayton wakes up early! Since he was being quiet I decided to get up and go ahead and have my time. Clayton starts making pouting noises and making comments because I can get up early to spend time with God and not him! As I was reading my devotional the tears started rolling! I knew that I had to end my time God early so that we could have relations so there wouldn’t be any fights for the rest of the weekend! I prayed for God to take the situation and make everything okay. The more I thought about how this was going and how Clayton just didn’t care about my body and my feelings just made me angry! He was far from a loving and caring husband! Just selfish to the core! I told God how I just couldn’t love or forgive a man like God needs me to when treats me with no respect or love like Clayton does! I needed Clayton to show me some vulnerability! Show that he feels bad about anything! Give me something!
So I went and got in bed and laid next to Clayton. I told him that it would be fine and that I’d jump in the bath afterwards. Clayton actually told me not worry about it that it would be okay. We laid in bed playing with the dogs and each other. We were actually laughing! I told him that I really did enjoy laying next to him and just talking and having fun. He’s whole attitude changed and we got along the whole day! As I was getting Rose ready for church her and I were fussing back and forth about her outfit I walked passed Clayton and I hear him say “I’m sorry”. I asked what he was sorry for and he replied with “I don’t know” I leaned over the back of the couch where he was sitting and I said ” Your kid?” He laughed and said ” which one?” I said ” all of them!” He said “maybe”. I knew at that moment that he was sorry for his attitude. I immediately thanked God for answering my prayer from earlier that morning! I needed that to get through the day! Clayton’s apology was real! It’s probably the only time he has actually said it and I can say without a doubt he meant it! Clayton doesn’t say he’s sorry about anything!
All of the actions that Clayton put Addi and Ben through during their childhood he didn’t learn a thing and God knew that Rose was going to be born and that her mind and mental health couldn’t deal with Clayton alone. I feel as if all the wrong choices I made gave me the strength that I needed for this part of my life! And honestly I’m not sure how Addi and Ben did it! I know that they spent a lot of time with their grandparents so that helped! This is the long way around just to say that God knew Rose needed a strong momma to love her and be there for her to protect her from the mental and emotional abuse. And He chose me!!
