This is Mimi Davis. I started keeping a journal back 2020. I would write down all the fights or just feelings that I was having with Clayton. I’m going to share those with ya’ll. Looking through the journal I only recorded from May to July of 2020, but I know that I also have several notebooks that I’ve written things down in. I tried to keep things in date order. I wrote down my hard days with Clayton so that I could type them up in this blog and share with the world. Sadly I didn’t do a great job at it. I mean it’s 2023! The BOLD will be my journal entry, Anyway, back in “May 20,2020 I was struggling with my attitude towards Clayton. And my devotion was about a brick building. Using God as my brick layer and His words as the cement that holds me all together! That’s what I took out of the devotion. The other devotion was about listening to God and knowing that His promises are true! Just have the faith in Him that’s all He asks from us. Don’t let the bad attitudes from others or the gossip drag you down. Instead turn your eyes to God. He will show you the way which is where I struggle with Clayton! I let his attitude and the way he treats me effect the way I act and feel. I take my eyes off God! I’m working on myself to keep my eyes on God and to keep my faith that He will bring the peace to my life that is missing. God has brought me through so many trials that I know He will bring me out of this one. I will have all three kids back in my life to stay and be as close to them as ever! I’m so excited about that day! There will be so much laughter and love! With God at the wheel we will travel far and wide together! And when I’m old and gray Rose will have her bubba sister to guide her and teach her more about Papa God!!”
May 22,2020…..Yesterdays devotion was about God delivering you from a terrible situation. I know He has has His hands full with delivering me!! My situation right now isn’t the best and I am trying with all my might to have the strength I need to hang on while God prepares my future! Most days I can hide from the pain, but days I can’t are really hard! When I wake up the next morning to a devotion that I needed to help comfort me in the day ahead of me! I love how God is talking to me again and I feel Him again! I know that He hasn’t ever left me but I know I’ve been in a very dark place and He was waiting right outside the door! Waiting on me with more patience than I have with Him. That’s what is so great about God! He shows us how loving, kind, patient He si so that we can return all that to Him and to others in our life. Like being kind to those who wrong you even family, spouses or you children. Most of us carrying the bad feeling around everywhere they go! I know that I do that from time to time. But like the song says “God’s still working on me” The good news is He’ll never be done! Like fine wine we only get better with age! I work extra hard along with praying extra hard to NOT carrying all that bad energy around with me! I have more important things to think about! Like my new life with just me and my kids, living on the beach and teaching them more about God and how much He loves us and how He will provide for us! Teaching us how to tell others about Him and how he brought us through our struggles or terrible situations. We will be waling billboards for Papa God! So no more sitting and feeling sorry for myself and the bad marriage I’m in! My only purpose at this point is to love God and continue to live the life He in-stored for me. Which is to be a mamma to Rose like He told me to be and prepare for our future together! Along with Preston and Haley. God knows my life isn’t complete without all my babies. These are just a start to my journal entries. Not all of them are around my devotions. Some will be about the silly fights that Clayton likes to have. I’ll post more later.
May 26,2020……So it was Memorial Day weekend. I just hate weekends! Saturday went pretty good. We went shopping and as usual while me and Rose are looking at the items we wanted to Clayton got an attitude because I didn’t stop what I was doing to come see what he had found. Then Rose started crying because new cheer clothes wasn’t good enough for her! She wanted me to buy her a patio set! So of course I got frustrated! Clayton showed me all of his finds and then got mad at me because I wanted to go look for me so he put all of his things back! I went and paid for mine and Rose’s items and we left! If it’s not all focused on him he gets pouty and gets all mad like Rose who is 5! On Sunday we were suppose to go to my dads to plant seeds. Well at 8am Clayton is ready to go up there and tells Ben ( Clayton’s son) that he can go to so that Ben can look at the other deer stand. Which was fine except my dad didn’t know Ben was coming and it was 9am and I had told Clayton it was to early to go up and that I wanted to finish my last two loads of clothes before we went. So of course I have to call my dad because Clayton is just being a butt. And my dad said “Well it’s to early but I guess”. I mean just because Clayton is ready to go somewhere doesn’t mean that everyone is! So that caused a HUGE fight! I mean Clayton had asked me earlier what time I wanted to go and I did tell him after I got the clothes done! I did tell Clayton that he had no business telling Ben he could go up there so early! My daddy knew we were coming up but not that early in the morning! Clayton still has no clue he was wrong! He thought it was cute to say ” less bitching and more kitchen” which never did say sorry for even thinking it much less saying it!
May 27,2020…..Had a pretty good night last night. No fighting at least. Been going to bed at 8:30pm after I put Rose to bed just so I can be alone for a little bit before I fall asleep. It’s just gotten to the point that I just don’t want to be around Clayton at all! I know he wants sex because he keeps trying to touch me as I walk by and this morning he wanted a hug but what he really wants to do is to grope me. So I blocked him and only hugged for a second. When you treat your wife with zero respect and can’t say you’re sorry after fights rather you’re wrong or not….well I just want to be done!! And I sure don’t want to be intimate with him! I do miss that part of my life but I’m also fine without it! Sex has destroyed so much of my life!! I could really care less. But anyway, one of my devotions this morning talked about forgiveness for yourself! And that saying “I’m sorry” to someone isn’t about right or wrong! It’s about caring about the relationship more than your ego. I wish Clayton would learn that. Our whole marriage would change if he did! I have to learn to forgive myself for my past mistakes and move forward which I’ve been working on for 5 months now!
May 28, 2020…….Addi came by yesterday afternoon. I was telling her about Clayton and what he said to me! Clayton told me that my “place” was in the kitchen! I’ve been trying not to cuss so much. I mainly do when I’m mad, not that, that’s an a excuse. But I’m so proud of myself for it! But I know Papa God has forgiven me and will help work on that. Last night Clayton asked if I wanted to do yard work( it was after supper) I told him I would no longer be doing yard work since my “place” was in the kitchen. He just starred at me. I said “you STILL haven’t said you were sorry.” He then began to tell me how he was joking. I made sure to tell him that he never should have said it and that no one jokes during a fight. So until did the right thing he would be doing yard work alone. Clayton of course got upset! But ya know, to bad! Don’t talk to your wife that! I also told him that he cared more about his ego than he about our marriage! He had nothing to say but he never does when I’m right and he knows it! I know I should have a different attitude but…I don’t! I didn’t write down the fight and I don’t remember what it was about. Usually it was just a repeat of past fights or something dumb!
May 29,2020……Rose spent the night with Papa and Mimi last night. Man it was nice! Relaxing not having to keep getting up for her and no whining! But I sure do miss her! She’ll be back tonight to get me in check. I love that child with every ounce of me but, it’s nice to have that time that’s mine. Not that I have on exciting life but, the quiet time is great! So, one of my devotions today was about not worrying about up’s and down’s of life but to focus on the finish line ( God). I have noticed that in the mornings after Clayton goes to work that I’m no longer hacked off about the dumb stuff he does. Like pulling open the shower curtain. Everyone knows to close it! It makes your bathroom look nicer. But since he’s a 51 year old man who STILL takes baths he has no clue! Or the way he can’t put the peanut butter jar back where it goes after he uses it. I know I’m still going to worry but it’s not as bad and I’m getting better everyday! Thank you Papa God for helping me! My 2nd devotion was about being attentive, loyal, and willing. When it comes to doing what Jesus wants/needs us to do or be. I learned a lot about John the Baptist in the few minutes I had this morning. He was a true friend to Jesus! He was always there for Him when He needed no matter what! A kind of friend that we all want in life. One who is always just a phone call away! I decided that I want to be like that with God! A true friend! I know I cant be that person to a friend that I see because I have been that loyal person! But I’ve never been that loyal friend to God before! So, that’s what I’m going to try and do. I know I’m going fail sometimes but I also know that I will get back up and try again. Keep that finish line in sight! I love when the tow devotions come together like they did today. I know that’s Papa God doing His work on me! Thank you! Thank you!! This weekend will be a true test. I’ve made it clear that I hate the weekends. Always about Clayton, always about working in the yard to suit him, listening to him yell at Rose! I’m just over it all! But, I’m going to work on my attentive, loyal, and willing to look for that finish line! Doing what God needs me to do even it’s being nice to a man I despise! Yes despise! I know it’s being two faced. Loving God and working to be more like Him , while hating my husband. But that is what I will be working on everyday! Being better than the day before!