It’s very frustrating when you have high hopes that if you just love enough or give enough that one day the person you love and have given the last decade or more of your life to is going to wake up and love you back and sadly they do not! So you try harder to love even more and give even more and still nothing! You are on the infinity train that never stops! Making yourself go insane and thinking that you’re not good enough for that person! Always apologizing for fights that you didn’t start or apologizing just because they seem upset. Even defending your innocence because their demons are telling them that you are up to no good when all you’ve done and are doing is being faithful and giving them parts of you that honestly they don’t even deserve!
This is what your life is like when you’re married to a narcissist. You will never get off the train until you decide to. Clayton wanted to go watch the Christmas parade but didn’t want to go my family. Instead of sitting down and having a grownup conversation about it, it turned into a fight which turned into my fault! Nothing can be a normal conversation between us. The second he finds out that my plans are different from his, he turns into a ball of anger. I mean he always has a chip on his shoulder anyway but when we started talking about the parade and I told him that I wanted to sit with my family and how much easier it would be to get out when it’s over and how there would be very little walking (he has skin cancer on his leg so it’s hard for him) and that I’d carry the chairs, he just got angrier. He wanted to park somewhere that he could back the truck up and sit on the tailgate and so did Rose. We had gone to town and as I was getting in the truck I heard them saying how they don’t get their way and that all they wanted to do was sit on the tailgate. So I popped off and said ya’ll go sit where ya’ll want to I don’t care! From that moment on it didn’t matter what I said that’s the only thing that Clayton focused on.
I know that Clayton hurts everyday! I mean he has skin cancer and I know that his body is eaten up inside. You can tell by the way he is always tired. Plus he tells me how bad he hurts. Part of me feel sad for him but the other part struggles because when we first met he had these spots and had insurance and it was an easy fix. There was a time where he didn’t have any insurance and he started growing more spots. So I went out and found us insurance and he still wouldn’t go have anything looked at or taken care of. Fast forward, those spots have grown so big that all they do is bleed! He bleeds all day everyday! Sometimes it’s hard for me to feel sad for him. But, as his wife I’m doing all I can to just be there for him and I will help him through this. Clayton is showing signs of possible prostate cancer also.
Now there are things that I want to do and unfortunately I forget sometimes that Clayton may or may not be able to do it. In my mind we would get there early and get a parking spot like ten steps from where my family wanted to sit. We were going to be a the first part of the parade so when it was over we would be able to not only get out with hardly any traffic but we would be on the right side of town and not have to cross over any streets to get the one that lead us home. All he could say was how the streets would be blocked off and we couldn’t get out or make turns and how he’d have to walk too far and how his leg was already in pain from just going to town. All I could hear was excuses because he didn’t want to sit with my family. I told him I shouldn’t have to choose between them and him! And that all I wanted to do more than anything was to watch my nephew and niece’s faces as the parade passed by. Of course now it turns into the “Well I won’t go” phase of the fight! I started crying and telling him that just once I wish he’d throw me a bone and suck it up and deal with my family because it make me happy! And just once it’d be nice if we could talk like a normal couple when it comes to this kind of stuff so we could work together not against each other! It’s exhausting!
Clayton brings up the fact that he’ll need a bathroom because he can’t hold it like he used to. Again there is one of those things that I don’t think about when planning things. There would have been no where for him to go. So I told my family that we were going to go watch the parade somewhere that had no extra walking and a bathroom. As sad as I was I wanted to make sure that I did right by my husband. I mean I live with him not them. And I did mention to Clayton that if we could ever have a normal conversation that these are things he could remind me about nicely not yelling at me. I want him to join us in outings because honestly we don’t know how much longer any of us have. So we go grab some food and we proceed to find a place to park. The parking lot we wanted to sit at was full and so we park in another one that was walking distance from a bathroom. Across the street they were handing out free hot chocolate so Clayton goes over to see if their doors are open so he can use the restroom and they were not. He gets us hot chocolate and comes back. So he walks probably about three blocks to go to the restroom.
By the time it’s all over we are now fighting traffic, he has walked so much more than what he told me he could do. Remember he could walk less than a block and carry a chair. I’m not a happy camper and yes I have a chip on my shoulder! I missed out spending time with my niece and nephew due to his health issues that for me in my mind weren’t as big of an issue as he made them out to be considering he hasn’t complained once about all the walking he had to do. I know that he hurts! I know it’s hard on him! But he just didn’t want to be around my family so he lays it on thicker so he doesn’t have to! It’s just so frustrating! I’m doing my best to be there for him and make sure he is okay! But man, he makes it hard!
